I just threw up on my dentist
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
