I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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