Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
