I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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