this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
