If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
