Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
