Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
