She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
