I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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