i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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