I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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