I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I am available for nakedness
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
