i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
