All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
