Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
