YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
