worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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