Can i not drive my cunt home
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
