Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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