I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
