I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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