i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
