fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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