I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
