It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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