I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
