so that wasnt chicken after all
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
