Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
