i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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