I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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