Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
