my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just wanna soil my oats bro
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
