When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
