The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
