I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
