does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
