All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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