how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
