we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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