If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
