My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
