Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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