I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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