all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
