Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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