I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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