I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
