it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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