I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
